its a hard road

This whole med board process is a tough one to go through and I can only imagine what it must be like for Ben. We were hoping for some news today, but once again, we were disappointed. I think that Ben is getting really frustrated and then sometimes takes out his frustrations on me. Yeah, sometimes I definitely deserve it, but sometimes I don't. And that makes me sad and feel worthless when he is acting like a jerk to me. I know that he doesn't mean it, but it hurts. I just want both of us to be happy and healthy and loving toward each other. Maybe that's the eternal optimist in me. I hope that when he's out of the army that things between us will calm down and we can be happy. I hope that he doesn't get frustrated so easily with me and I hope that I won't upset him so often. I really am trying to better myself and I am trying to make things work.

It makes me sad when I think about us not working. And I just found out that my brother and his family might be moving in with my parents and if Ben and I just can't make this work, I really will have no where to go. My mom doesn't have a place for me in her house, and my dad doesn't have any extra bedrooms. So I'd have to get a roommate and a job that pays well so that I can pay for rent. It would be the beginning of a huge downward spiral for my mental health if I cannot make this marriage work. So, I'm just gonna make it work. I gonna do what I need to do to keep us going in the right direction. But I can't do this without the help of God almighty.

Life is hard. They don't really prepare you in junior high and high school for what life is really like in the real world. I think I have been delusional my entire life about the realities of life and all that happens in life. College, marriage, kids...it's all so hard. I don't think that I am a strong person and I've just been failing at the first 2, so what makes me think that I can handle a kid? Maybe I shouldn't have a kid. Maybe I'm just too emotional. I just don't know. I need God's help on a daily basis.

God's grace is amazing and His mercies are new every day

Romans 9: 30-32 says, "What then shall we say? That the Gentiles, who did not pursue righteousness, have obtained it, a righteousness that is by faith; but Israel, who pursued a law of righteousness, has not attained it. Why not? Because they pursued it not by faith but as if it were by works. They stumbled over the "stumbling stone." I really found this to be interesting because you cannot attain righteousness or salvation through good works alone, but it has to be through faith. An exerpt from my Bible says, "Sometimes we are like these people, trying to get right with God by keeping his laws. We may think that attending church, doing church work, giving offerings, and being nice will be enough. After all, we've played by the rules, haven't we? But Paul's words sting-this approach never succeeds. Paul explains that God's plan is not for those who try to earn his favor by being good; it is for those who realize that they can never be good enough and so must depend on Christ. We can be saved only by putting our faith in what Jesus Christ has done. If we do that, we will never be put to shame or disappointed."

Too often, I find myself trying to do good things that I forget its about the faith and the relationship; both with my God and my husband. I find myself the day after a fight trying to do good works to get back in his good favor, but it's not that alone. It's about the way that I am living and showing to him just how much I am in love with him. The same thing goes with God. When I'm not in the place that I should be with Him, I'll try to give more of our money or do things that will make Him love me more or whatever, but I need to depend on Him to get to the place I need our relationship to be. God has continually given me grace that I definitely have not earned. He's shown me unconditional love and mercy, even at my lowest points. I feel that I compare my relationship with God to my relationship to Ben in a healthy way. After all, Christ is our "husband" and we (as Christians) are his "bride". I'm taking the things that I am learning in mending my relationship with my husband and applying them to my relationship with my savior.

I'm not exactly sure why those particular verses really stood out to me. Maybe it's because I've always just gone to church and given my tithes without really having much real faith. It was always just the thing to do. But as I'm getting older and realizing things about myself that I never realized before, I'm wanting to have that real faith; a real relationship with God. As I was exercising this morning, I was doing a routine I haven't done in about a week and I realized how far I can push myself. I'm staying motivated and having Ben as a continual support is really helping. I finally was able to tell him what I really need from him in this process and he's totally on board with what I need from him. Especially when it comes to what we eat and pushing me to exercise for me to stay motivated. He's amazing and I really don't know what I would do without him. Needless to say, we're working hard to keep our marriage headed in the right direction.

another day, another thought

Eating healthy is hard, controlling portions is even harder for me. I'm trying this thing about not going back for seconds at any meal. I think that will really help me control portions and when I make casserole or lasagne, make reasonable portions. I like to eat and it's something I've struggled with every day. I am trying to control myself and change my eating habits. I'm just really tired of being a "big girl."

Things on the homefront are a little better. Still working on my marriage and improving our relationship. I'm going to get us to do the love dare together. It's a dare to married couples to really delve deep into their love for each other. I'm very interested in this because we have gotten close to the point of talking about splitting up and I don't ever want that to happen. So if there is a way that I can learn to show my love and devotion and commitment, then I'm going to do my best to do it and save my marriage. I am going to fight to hold onto my marriage and nothing is going to stop me.

There are some days that I get soo sad and just don't want to do anything. I really miss my family and friends from home. I miss just hanging out around the house and walking down to the beach. Yeah, I live in Hawaii and the beach isn't far away and I don't work and I am at home all day, but it's different. Santa Cruz is like no place I've been. I miss it. It will always be home and I can't wait to go back. I just want to be happy and feel at home. Hawaii is not home.

...and I'm doing ok

So the weekend was good; lazy, but good. Earlier in the week last week, we had had a couple fights and I've been working hard on making myself a better person. I've been trying to eat healthier and exercise on a regular basis. I started to write down everything that I eat just so that I can see exactly what I've been putting into my body. It's tough to be brutally honest with myself but so far it's working. It's like if I'm embarrassed about writing it down, it's a good indication that I shouldn't put it into my mouth. I'm really trying to make this work and I just want everything between my husband and I to be kosher. No walking on eggshells about anything, no disappointments, and just a whole lot of love and laughs. That's what I've always wanted in my life. I'm a happy person and I love to love. It's one of the best things in life.

The Beginning of the Journey

I am a fat girl. Plain and simple. I've been on the heavier side of life as long as I can remember and that's about to change. A few days ago I had a breakthrough that my husband has been trying to instill in me for 4 years. Working out and exercising is tough, but so worth the effort. Changing the way I live my life is going to take time and a lot of hard work but I'm at a point in my life where I have to do this, not only for me and my life, but for my marriage.

When I met my husband, I didn't think I would marry him. We just come from such different backgrounds and ways of living. I grew up in a very God-centered household and was by all means a "good girl". I was (and still am) chubby, lazy, and sometimes, immature. Ben grew up with a family that rarely went to church and his mom was a little more laid back than my parents, although, Ben was a good kid too. He was active and physically fit. Two things I was not. Then our paths collided and we fell in love. They say that opposites attract and that definitely was the case. I think now that we have been married for a couple years, the oppositeness is coming out. The first year wasn't the hardest, in fact, looking back on these past 2 years, it was the easiest mostly because Ben was in training for the US Army. When he got out of training and came home and we actually had a chance to live together, it seems that we really got to know how our life together was going to be.

Marriage is hard work. We have our arguments just like every other couple, but there are the occasional ones that just get so...tense. There is one thing that we argue about, my health and lack thereof. He's told me that if this doesn't happen one of two things is going to happen, we're not going to have children and be in a miserable marriage for the rest of our lives, or we're just not going to be together anymore. Neither of these is an option for me, it's not what I want and it's not what he wants, it's just how it is. I'm tired of disappointing him and making him upset with me and sparking fights. So the only thing left to do is change. I'm changing the way I live and the way I am. I am going to lose the weight. Not using any "diet pills" or any crazy diets, just old fashioned sweat and hard work. It's really hard but I need to push through the pain and the hurt...both physically and mentally.

I want my marriage to last and changing is the only way that's going to happen. I've been told in no specific words that I am horrible at communicating. I don't really know why. Maybe it's the insecurity of thinking that what I say will be the wrong thing. Maybe I just have a hard time putting my thoughts into words or that what I do want to say has nothing to do with the conversation. I'm not a very good speaker, especially to my husband. Sometimes I feel like if I say something, it might upset him and cause an argument. Anyways, enough for now.